


폭풍우  (Rainstorm)

by yukasayu



Category: NCT (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Bottom Haechan, Bottom Jeon Jungkook, But he's trying, Canon Compliant, Haechan is not Ok, He's a good guy I swear, Hurt/Comfort, Johnny's trying to be a hero, M/M, Mark is fucking up, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Taekook are really nice to him, Top Kim Taehyung | V, Top Mark, Top Seo Youngho | Johnny, Whump, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-23 05:25:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17074241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukasayu/pseuds/yukasayu
Summary: Haechan's hurting and everyone's trying to fix it but it's a mess and nothing ever goes to plan. He just wants things to go back to normal but he's panicking and needs help. The only problems are every time he reaches out things get mixed up and spiral out of control, no one is good at communicating, and SM needs to vet their staff more intensely. Also someone needs to get these boys a damn counselor.*on hiatus*





	1. Supernova

**Author's Note:**

> But 1st some notes!
> 
> 1\. If you’re looking for something fluffy and happy this is not for you. It’s a hurt/comfort story with a shit load of angst becuase I love a good comfort story but that unfortunately means I have to hurt the characters before I can comfort them. Sorry Haechannie, noona loves you and hopes you’re happy and doing well! 
> 
> 2\. Mark will seem like a complete asshole at first but I swear he’s not really. He’s just a really inexperienced guy who's still learning and needs to get better at interpersonal communication. Also, things seem worse because while this is 3rd person it’s more so from Haechan’s perspective in terms of the information I’m giving you. And Haechan is not doing so hot mentally, he’s got a lot to deal with and the way he’s perceiving the situation is somewhat off because of his own negative feelings about himself due to (TRIGGER WARNING!) being raped previously. 
> 
> 3\. tbh though I do sort of dislike how he pushes Haechannie away sometimes and doesn’t dote on him/give him affection. Our full sun is so adorable and loving (even though he frequently covers it up with being sassy/sarcastic) and I just want everyone to love him and give him attention. Like Mark, please, if you just hold his hand and hug him or whatever else he wants it won't be that weird. He does it with everyone so please be nicer to him or someone who isn’t afraid of public affection is going to steal him from you.
> 
> 4\. Johnny isn’t actually a bad guy either, he’s just trying to help but he thinks the situation is different from what it actually is because of how Haechan relayed the information to him.
> 
> 5\. This story pretends NCT went to the 2018 AAAs. 
> 
> 6\. WARNING: Haechan has a past non-con experience that has not been dealt with and he is not ok mentally. This experience is talked about a lot as a vague concept but no details are given in this chapter. When I do go into detail in later chapters I'll warn you ahead of time.

Taehyung and Jungkook have been boyfriends for a while now and it’s no surprise that sometimes they sneak off for a moment to themselves before schedules. As extremely busy people who are also intensely in love they just need a minute to breathe as a couple without their very loving members (whom they are immensely thankful for) or stylists or managers or whoever else. Sometimes this sneaking off happens in between dance practise and recording time, sometimes it happens after a radio show, and sometimes it even happens before or during award shows. Today in particular they felt the urge to do so before the 2018 Asian Artist Awards began. They’d already been styled and were in their outfits — a layered look with a red jacket and blackcap for Taehyung and a white shirt with a black blazer for Jungkook — and had been given about 2 hours off to eat or go to the bathroom or whatever they needed to do before the show started.

Since they were already dressed and styled and would definitely need to be capable of performing soon full-on sex was unfortunately off the table. A blowjob in a locked bathroom stall wasn’t totally out of the question though. On his knees with his lips stretched wide around a cock was an A+ look for the younger performer. Not to mention how much he loved being down there with his mouth open and a large tan hand in his hair guiding his every move.

Which was great for Taehyung because he seriously enjoyed having control while his younger lover engaged in that particularly arousing activity. This was somewhat of a routine for them--Taehyung would finger or rim Jungkook and then Jungkook would blow Taehyung and then they’d clean up and continue on with their lives. Today was a day like any other and everything was going normally until after they’d finished (thankfully not before or during the act as that would have been extremely embarrassing and unprofessional). That was when something strange happened. As they were cleaning themselves up and planning to walk out the main door of the men’s bathroom, a younger idol came running in, slamming the door shut behind him and holding it closed. He was breathing heavily and looked somewhat disheveled. Although his attractive looks, and the fact that he was backstage at an awards show, clearly marked him as an idol it was obvious that his company had yet to do his styling and makeup.

Since Jungkook was friends with Jaehyun, and BTS just kept up with other popular idol groups in general, they recognized him as being one of the NCT members. Considering the number of idols in that group it wasn’t completely strange that he was still in his regular clothes, they had probably been working on the other members first. That’s not to say his regular clothes didn’t still make him look absolutely adorable but to be honest he was actually just seriously adorable anyway and the clothes only added to that.

His darker skin tone contrasted beautifully with his dyed honey-blonde hair and deep purple oversized sweatshirt, and his dark jeans really hugged the right places. Whoever picked that ensemble out deserves a fucking medal, let’s be real. But back to the point, this younger idol was cleary panicking and about to break into tears and the 2 BTS members weren’t sure why or what to do about it. Taehyung took a step towards him and was about to ask what was going on when the honey-blonde noticed them and flinched back.

“Oh shit, I thought this bathroom was empty,” he said with a quivering voice, staring at them with shocked wide eyes darting back and forth between them.

Jungkook was always the shier one so he let Taehyung take charge of the conversation.

“It’s ok, we were just leaving. Are you alright?” Taehyung asked.

The younger artist really hated not being professional, that was something he prided himself on since he’d been in the business starting from such a young age, and the thought of breaking down anymore than he already had in front of members of literally the biggest Kpop group in the world was horrifying. He didn’t think he’d be able to form any more words without actually starting to cry though so he just nodded quickly, bottom lip pouting out despite his best efforts to maintain control of his facial expressions, and opened the door to vacate the situation ASAP. That plan didn’t work though because the moment he was out in the hall Johnny spotted him and rushed over, followed by Mark. The youngest absolutely wasn’t sure how to handle _that_ situation so he backpedaled back into the bathroom and slammed the door shut for a second time. This effectively trapped him in the room with the 2 older idols he didn’t really know and was sort of a fanboy for, which would have been cool if it were literally any other possible situation right now.

There was suddenly a loud bang on the door when Johnny tried to rush in without realizing his younger bandmate had barricaded it with his smaller body. His hyung cursed loudly in english from the unexpected pain of running into a hard immovable surface and the honey-blonde jumped in shock and a whining noise was forced out of him from the unexpected jolt. That would have been totally embarrassing if he wasn’t already at the max level of embarrassment.

It didn’t help that the door was banged again, this time slightly opening enough so that everyone in the bathroom could hear that Mark had arrived and the 2 hyungs were fighting about something--to be more specific, they were fighting over something. Haechan. This was an extremely awkward and unusual turn of events and nobody really knew what the appropriate thing to do was. Jungkook and Taehyung stared awkwardly at each other and at the boy in question, while the youngest had a staring contest with the floor. This all occurred with loud muffled fighting noises continuing on the other side of the door as background noise.

Nobody moved for a few minutes until the young artist actually started crying and then the older boys panicked a little and moved further towards him.

“What’s going on?” Jungkook implored, wondering how they all ended up in this mess only an hour before an awards show. It seemed awfully surreal, like a weird nightmare.

The youngest just cried harder and slid down the door, looking like he was having trouble breathing as he kept gasping for air. He had considered running and hiding in a stall but then no one would be blocking the entrance. He brought his purple sweater paws in front of his face, pushing lightly on his eyes and hoping he could simultaneously stop the crying and stop them from seeing him cry. He was panicking and his efforts to make it stop weren’t working particularly well.

Taehyung, being the extroverted and affectionate person he is, thought physical comfort might help. Both he and Jungkook weren’t the best at speaking and getting their thoughts out so physically doing something might work best.

“NCT’s Haechan right?”

The younger idol nodded shakily, pulling his knees in closer to himself so that he was basically just a shivering ball of sadness and panic.

“Ok, Haechannie...can I call you that?” He nodded.

“Haechannie, do you want a hug? I’m really good at giving hugs. Kookie can vouch for me, right Kookie?”

The aforementioned ravenette nodded and gave a small smile, trying to make his movements soft and slow as if he was dealing with a scared child or animal. Haechan sniffled a bit and looked up from where he’d buried his face in his knees. After eying both of them for a minute he nodded slightly and then unfurled, reaching his arms out like a child would in order to cling to their parent.

Getting the ok Taehyung moved in and cuddled him closer while rubbing a hand along his back soothingly. This kid was tinier than he’d thought, the sweatshirt definitely hid how lithe his form was. Jungkook kneeled down next to them as well and handed Haechan a napkin he’d gotten from the dispenser. He was kind of buried in Taehyung’s chest though and didn’t notice it at first so Jungkook patted his arm gently to get him to look up. Once he did the younger artist took it but was too upset to actually do anything with it so the ravenette took it back from his hand where he’d crumpled it up slightly and used it to pat the tears on his face.

The older 2 still didn’t really know what was happening but it made them feel worried and upset for the younger boy. Jungkook was especially worried because through being friends with Jaehyun he had found out that NCT 127’s maknae was typically a bright, affectionate, sweet kid who was very professional. Although he was quite sassy and sometimes annoyed his hyungs when he teased too much, they generally enjoyed his playful puppy-like personality and appreciated him for being so hard-working. From what he knew, this type of behaviour was unprecedented and unlike him. Something pretty serious had to be going on.

Taehyung was still soothing him and the crying had somewhat lessened, turning into small sniffles and the occasional whimper. Since he seemed more able to answer questions now Jungkook decided to gently prod him about what was going on.

“Can you tell us how we can help you? We aren’t sure what the situation is right now…”

Haechan gasped in a breath before shakily smiling and laughing somewhat biterly, “I’m so sorry! This is horrible, I’m embarrassed you saw me like this. Usually I’m pretty professional…”

They both quickly assured him they didn’t care about that, what was important was figuring out the solution to whatever was going on.

“It’s stupid, it’s just...I guess, they’re fighting over me but I didn’t want them to. Things somehow escalated quickly and then Johnny kissed me which is not ok because...because..,” he was cut off here by another sob and began crying again.

Taehyung took his chin and lifted his face back up from it’s hiding position between his knees. “Hey, no, don’t cry. Everything’s ok!”

Jungkook spoke again as his boyfriend was wiping the younger boy’s tears. “it’s ok, we won’t judge you. There’s nothing wrong with kissing another boy. He and I are dating so we completely understand.”

“No, I know that!” He exclaimed as he pushed the hands away and pouted, “Not that you are dating I mean, but that it’s ok to like boys. That’s not the problem. Mark is my boyfriend, we’ve been together for a while. Since we were kids really.”

It dawned on them now that he’d been kissed by someone who wasn’t his boyfriend and then, “Oh, OH. That is a problem,” Jungkook said wide eyed.

“Did you kiss him back?” Taehyung asked.

“A little bit… but I just didn’t know what to do! I still don’t know what to do. I love Mark and we’ve been together for so long but he’s mean to me and it makes me sad. Being with him hurts. Johnny’s not like that, he’s just a friend but he makes me really happy and he’s not afraid to be affectionate to me in public. I don’t know who the right choice is and it’s really stressful that they keep fighting about it without asking me what I want. They’re my 2 best friends and I hate conflict, I wish they would stop.”

That was certainly a difficult situation but, “Have you considered that Mark is concerned you’d be split up if people caught on? Maybe he’s trying to protect what you have? Kookie and I can be too obvious sometimes and while we don’t have a problem sometimes management does and then they force us apart. That can be very painful emotionally. Maybe he doesn’t want you to be hurt?”

“But he goes too far,” Haechan whined.

He shook his head a little to clear it and wiped at his tears. “I just want to hold his hand sometimes and he pushes me away super hard but then he’ll hold the other member’s hands like it’s nothing. If he cared about me then why would he blatantly ignore me and shove me away but then have no problem showing the exact kind of affection I want to the other members?”

The tears finally stopped and he took the napkin from Jungkook to wipe his face. Jungkook sighed deeply and thought about it for a little bit. He didn’t know their relationship well enough though to make assumptions about what was causing that problem.

“I think you should talk to him about it, maybe there’s a reason we don’t know about. I would feel hurt by that to but maybe Mark doesn’t realize he’s hurting you?”

“Maybe. Except I’m scared to talk to him about it. He was mean to me when I told him about something important before and it just made things worse. When I told Johnny-hyung about the...thing...that happened when I was a trainee he made me feel better. He didn’t make me feel like I was pathetic and naive. But…” he sniffled and curled up tighter, hiding his face.

They waited patiently for him to continue, listening intently with an impending sense of dread.

”But Mark-hyung said it was my fault, he said it happened because of how slutty I was behaving. He apologized after he said it and said he didn’t mean for it to come out that way so I know he cares about me. I think he was just jealous because he wanted to be my first but it still made me miserable and my heart hurt. I feel like he’s disappointed that I wasn’t a virgin when we slept together, it’s like I wasn’t good enough because I’ve already been used.”

Everything was quiet for a moment then. In the idol industry it went unsaid but everyone knew that sometimes those in positions of power would be corrupt and take advantage of people wanting to get into music. Usually it was girls, and usually they weren’t younger than 16 or so. But sometimes…

In a shocked whisper-quiet voice Jungkook asked, wide eyed, “Haechannie...did someone...touch you? In a bad way?”

No answer.

“You don’t have to answer but did someone force you when you were younger?”

Silence.

“Johnny-hyung said it wasn’t my fault. But I’m not sure, I’m kind of a brat. I act cute and submissive and do a lot of aegyo. Maybe I seemed like I wanted it. Like I needed to be put in my place. Mark-hyung said I’m cute but sometimes I overdo it too much and it pisses people off.”

Haechan still wasn’t looking at them, instead pouting and resolutely looking at floor with his knees pulled up to his chest and wrapped in his arms. He was gripping his legs so tightly it had to be uncomfortable.

Taehyung made his voice deeper, the _don’t fuck with me_ voice Jungkook recognized from when his boyfriend was either mad or dominating in bed (he would be jealous Taehyung was using it but they were very secure in their relationship and Haechan was so obviously a sub and so obviously needed this), “Don’t you even think that for one second. You were the victim, nothing you did was wrong in any way. Do you understand?”

Haechan’s head snapped up, looking him in the eyes and nodding quickly.

In the same voice, “Do you believe me?”

The younger boy froze.

Taehyung gripped his chin, “Answer me. Do. You. Believe. Me.”

A deep gasping breath and then…

...he shook his head no.

In a quivering voice, like he was going to cry but being very stubborn about it, “I’m sorry. Sorry. I know I should but I can’t,” he said, the sentence turning into a whine at the end.

Jungkook interrupted, “you need to tell someone. A manager maybe. You should see a counselor about this.”

Haechan turned his chin in Taehyung’s hold to look in the direction of his voice but the elder snapped it back, making him gasp and blink quickly.

“You’re going to get help with this. You are not allowed to deal with this alone because it’s hurting you and you are not healthy. Tell someone you trust and let them get you help. That is not up for question. Ok?”

“Yes. Ok, yes,” Haechan said breathily.

“Good,” he said while releasing his grip from Heachan’s chin and letting his voice return to normal.

“In addition, if you want to stay with Mark you should look into relationship counseling because what you have right now is not healthy. But don’t force yourself to stay with him if you don’t feel safe or comfortable.”

The honey-blonde was a shaken up but he agreed. It couldn’t go on like this. His life was hard enough with being an idol in a large company. He was constantly busy to the point of exhaustion and the fighting between Mark and Johnny as well as the _incident_ really took a massive toll on his happiness and mental stability. He knew having such high levels of stress for long periods of time wasn’t healthy. He was afraid to tell anyone else though, he still wasn’t sure why he’d told Taehyung and Jungkook. It had just flown out of his mouth at the time since he was sort of out of it with the stress and mild panic attack he’d been having. They were the only ones with him and they’d been comforting him so he had felt safe. He knew his headspace wasn’t right and now he was even more exhausted and freaking out again because he literally cannot believe he’d just had a breakdown and panic attack in front of fucking BTS and then followed it up by telling them he was raped, as if the first part alone hadn’t already been horrifying enough.

Jungkook grabbed Taehyung’s arm to get his attention quickly, whispering “Oh no, Tae I think he’s panicking again!”

And shit, he really was. All of a sudden it’s like he couldn’t breathe and this time it was even worse than before. Haechan brought his hands up to his hair, tugging on the strands as a way to ground himself while his body was uncontrollably gasping for air. It felt like someone had just ripped his lungs out and there was nothing left of his voice. That just make him start crying really hard because he was a singer, if he couldn’t breathe he couldn't sing and that would be devastating!

“Hey, shhh, listen to my voice. I’m going to count to 3 and I want you to breathe with me ok? In 1….2….3...Out...1...2...3...In...1...2...3...Out...1...2...3,” Haechan couldn’t even tell who was talking now above the fog that had settled in his brain but he tried to do what they were asking.

“That’s right, you’re doing good. Keep going, good boy, c’mon. We’ve got you, you’re safe.”

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Ok, he’s got this. He’s ok. Feeling like he’s going to collapse but that’s fine, he can handle that. He’s an idol, between no sleep, dieting, and being overworked, feeling like you’re going to pass out is perfectly normal and part of your everyday life.

“Thank you. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. You were just going to the bathroom and then here I come barging in and fucking everything up right before we all have to perform and sit in front of cameras for hours. You don’t even know me and here I am freaking out and embarrassing myself in front of senior singers. I’m really seriously sorry!”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed for,” Taehyung said.

“He’s right,” Jungkook chimed in, “One of our hyungs gets panic attacks to. He even wrote a rap about it. I also get overwhelmed sometimes because I feel like I need to be perfect at everything and there’s a lot of pressure on me. Whenever I fail at something or don’t do as well as I wanted to I get really upset and Tae helps me calm down. We might be senior idols but we’re people to and you don’t need to feel bad about being human in front of us. Plus, you’re going through something serious right now and I’m glad you told us so we can help.”

Haechan was really grateful, and although he still felt off-kilter he knew he needed to get it together. They couldn’t have had much time left before the show started and he needed to get in wardrobe.

Standing up a little shakily, he thanked his BTS hyungs and left after they’d forced (read: gently asked multiple times) him to exchange numbers so they could keep in touch and make sure he was doing ok. Thankfully Johnny and Mark weren’t outside the bathroom anymore so they must have left at some point, maybe getting pulled away by the stylist-noonas.

Taking some deep breaths, he ran off to go get quickly made-up while being scolded for his tardiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taekook outfits: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/DfLv2I6LE4c/hqdefault.jpg (from the 2018 AAAs)
> 
> Haechan outfit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFibl6OAluM (from NCTzens would like this to ep 9 and also here https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-5rhVHQ6LZSo/XBTBFRw_0lI/AAAAAAAAJqw/Z02bTkVzoIUdW1oy3lDXeDEaf4KcWhlmQCLcBGAs/s1600/haechanmusicbank.jpg )


	2. Black Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny is a good friend. But is friend the right word for their relationship?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. You guys, I’m so sad! I found out about Haechan getting hurt and idk if I can handle it emotionally to be missing him so much. TT His tibia fracture is a common dancer’s injury when they’re overworked and unfortunately it takes 3-6 months to heal. He must be so upset, as an entertainer he would want to perform and not being able to for such a long time can be emotionally devastating. I’m sure it was painful as well, I hope they have him on some good medication and it’s not so bad that it requires surgery. His NCT hyungs better be giving him lots of love while he’s dealing with this. 
> 
> 2\. This takes place before chapter 1.
> 
> 3\. Haechan's outfit: Sinners Hoodie + black skinny jeans https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DqXRpZMWsAYP7aq.jpg
> 
> 4\. Johnny's outfit: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Da1CnzfXUAEeo0u.jpg
> 
> 5\. Not Beta'd, pls ignore any mistakes
> 
> 6\. Chapter WARNING: More discussion of the non-con, still not in great detail though.

Johnny and Mark have been friends for a long time. They’re the only ones who really speak english and they’ve definitely bonded over their shared western cultural background and love for music. Johnny thought he was a good guy. Hardworking, a bit too serious sometimes, but he was passionate about music and he clearly cared for everyone on their team. He thought Mark was a good boyfriend to his group’s youngest, even though they fought sometimes due to a clash in their personalities.

 

He was wrong.

 

When Haechan came to him and told him about what had happened he was shocked, to say the least. It had been a pretty calm and regular day up until that point but he knew something was wrong the minute the younger sat down next to him. Johnny had just gotten home from doing his radio show, NCT Night Night, and was still in the blue skinny jeans and black and green striped button down shirt combo he had worn for that schedule. When the younger plopped down on the couch next to him he noticed Haechan wasn’t as bright as usual or as clingy, curling in more towards himself than seeking outward physical comfort and affection. Additionally, his energy seemed extremely low and he appeared downtrodden and apprehensive. It was such a contrast to his typical behaviour that Johnny was immediately on edge and concerned about the honey-blonde idol he adored so much.

 

Since he knew Haechan was a very physical person, he offered up his hand to hold as a safety line. It always helped to ground the younger in the past and was an easy source of comfort for him to give.

 

When he took the hand offered to him, intertwining their fingers together and resting his head on his shoulder, it was a relief. Johnny liked knowing he could provide some support for his adorable dongsaeng. They both stayed quiet for a moment, just holding hands and thinking about how to start what was obviously going to be a serious conversation. Considering how playful they usually were with each other, serious conversations were not something they engaged in frequently and both idols felt some tension and anxiety in trying to start one. Haechan more so, because while Johnny didn’t know what this situation was about, Haechan was completely aware of what he was about to force himself to tell him, and it was not anywhere near the realm of good or safe or comfortable.

 

He was especially worried because when he’d mentioned it to Mark everything had blown up in his face. He’d wanted to reach out for help and security from the person who should have offered him that the most but instead he felt as though his boyfriend had ripped his heart into tiny little shreds, stomped on them, and thrown them in the trash. Ouch.

 

Haechan was brave though, some would call him fearless when it came to people. Getting physically and emotionally rejected was something he was used to, not just from Mark but from people in general. Did it hurt? Of course, but it didn’t stop him from reaching out one more time to hug and cuddle up to them. It was just the way he was, he knew he could be over the top but the members usually accepted him and put up with his need for affection. Well, Winwin and Doyoung didn’t actually like it that much so they wouldn’t put up with it. Johnny, Jungwoo, Taeil, and his same age friends from the dreamies though, they didn’t mind him being close with them. Frequently, they would even reach out to him first if they saw he needed it. They were good to him and he was grateful for their ever loving presence and care.

 

So when Mark hurt him he didn’t pull into himself and shut down. Insead, he looked for another source of emotional comfort and Johnny happened to be the one who’s schedule allowed them a moment alone together. Despite seeing all of the members constantly throughout their schedules, it was actually surprisingly hard to find time to talk privately with just one other person.

 

Going out to eat or to the movies didn’t count because this wasn’t exactly the type of conversation he thought would be appropriate in a public setting. He couldn’t just up and say, _‘Oh, Jungwoo would you pass me the popcorn? Isn’t Queen the best? By the way, I got raped and Mark made me feel like literal shit about it.’_

 

That seemed like it wouldn’t go very well. So no, he wasn’t going to attempt that.

 

Finally, after what seemed like weeks went by with an uncomfortable tension between Haechan and Mark, he was able to privately talk to Johnny in the NCT dorm while all the other members were out for schedules or free time. Except, the problem now was that he didn’t know how to start the conversation. Thankfully, his hyung opened his mouth first and asked him what was going on.

 

“I’m not sure how to say it without it being really abrupt but I need your help. I don’t know what else to do and it’s painful.”

 

The brunette was perplexed by what could be hurting his younger friend. He tightened his grip on his hand, soothingly running his thumb along the back, and turned his body towards the younger to give him his full attention.

 

“It’s ok, you can tell me anything. I’ll do my best to help.”

 

The honey-blonde took a deep breath in, “One of the managers when I was training...he took…,” a pause, he bit his lip and took another almost gasp-like breath of air before continuing, “he made me do things. That I didn’t want to do. Like, in bed. But not actually in bed because it happened other places. Like the van when we were alone or in the practice rooms or—,” Haechan cut himself of because he could tell he was starting to ramble and speak really fast. He needed to calm down.

 

The younger idol gripped Johnny’s hand tightly, pulling it to his chest and then holding onto it with both hands like it was a life preserver. He had one hand with the fingers intertwined, the other pulled inside his black Sinners hoodie to create a sweater paw. The paw part was pushing against the back of the brunette’s hand to keep it held tight against his chest. Johnny could feel his rapid heartbeat and his trembling hands, and he knew Haechan was scared. It made Johnny’s heart feel like it dropped into his stomach, like he wanted to cry just as much as the younger clearly did. The dread and anxiety started building up, along with an immense concern for the younger artist.

 

“How many times?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper.

 

“I’m not sure, it kept happening and I stopped wanting to keep track. I don’t like remembering it. He was fired eventually, for other reasons, and it stopped. I tried to pretend like everything was fine and it sort of worked for a while but it’s like a darkness was building up inside me. I hate it because I don’t want to be like that, I’m supposed to be full sun but it’s hard when it hurts so much. It feels like drowning while everyone is watching but no one comes to save you because you’re too good at acting and they all think you’re just swimming normally. Sorry, that probably doesn’t make much sense.”

 

Johnny shook his head rapidly, “No, I understand you what you’re saying. And you’re right, I had no idea. I didn’t see it. I’m so sorry..” he trailed off, looking towards the ground.

 

“Do you mind if I ask you about it?”

 

Haechan shook his head no, indicating he didn’t mind, while staring down at their joined hands, eyebrows furrowed.

 

“How old were you?”

 

“It started when I was 13. He was fired when I was 14.”

 

Johnny looked at him in horror, “I can’t believe some asshole would think it’s ok to do that to you. He took advantage of his position to hurt you. That’s fucked up!”

 

The younger idol looked at him sadly, like a kicked puppy, “You think I’m fucked up to?”  

 

His heart skipped a beat and while trying to keep the increasing anger out of his voice he exclaimed, “No, of course not! None of this is your fault and you shouldn’t think negatively about yourself because of it. That asshole is the one who’s fucked up. What’s fucked up is this situation, that he would do that, that no one stopped him for so long, and no one noticed for years afterwards. It’s not ok that you were forced to deal with this alone. It breaks my heart, if I had known I would have punched his fucking lights out. I’d have ripped his balls off, that asshole! You’re 18 now and no one has done anything for 4 years! This is—-wait, what do you mean ‘to’? Who told you that?”

 

Haechan looked away quickly from where he had been staring at Johnny’s face in shock. He shut his eyes tightly and his bottom lip jutted out. He didn’t want to make things worse, to get Mark in trouble. Mark didn’t mean it. He knows Mark didn’t mean it. Not like that, he said it had come out wrong and Haechan misunderstood. But still, he couldn’t stop hearing those words in his head ever since his boyfriend shouted them. He couldn’t stop thinking about how his eyes had changed when he looked at him and how he didn’t want to touch him.

 

Before he’d said anything Mark often would push away his advances and attention seeking behaviour, but it was ok. He thought Mark was embarrassed and it was cute. But then he started doing skinship with the other members and that was kind of confusing. It only got worse when after telling him, Mark pushed him away even more. It was like he couldn’t stand the thought of being near him. Was he too gross? Was he tainted? Damaged goods? Had there been something so obviously wrong with him that Mark could tell before he’d even told him and that was why he pushed him away? When he realized that, it was like being stabbed in the heart. He’d had a panic attack in the closet of his shared room with Jaehyun just thinking about it. When he finally came out an hour after it had stopped and he could breathe normally again it was 3 in the morning and Jaehyun seemed like he was asleep.

 

He hadn’t been asleep though, and when he asked the younger about it the next morning Haechan brushed it off with a joke, _‘We share a room hyung, I need to have somewhere to jerk off. Unless you wanted me to do it next to you in bed??’_

 

_‘No thanks, sorry I asked. I’m going to go scrub my ears out now and pretend I didn’t hear that.’_

 

Johnny was still staring at him though, he had to answer.

 

“M-Mark said he fucked me up. Sometimes when we...have sex…he calls me slutty and said he likes how submissive I am, but then after I told him about it he said that must be why I’m like that. Did getting — did having _that_ happen make me this way? Am I ruined?” He asked, looking up at Johnny, wide eyes glistening with unshed tears.

 

“Absolutely fucking not! What was he thinking? I have no idea why he would say those things to you but they are NOT true.”

 

Haechan started crying, the tears dripping down despite how hard he’d been trying to hold them back, “but he said I got chosen for it because of how I acted. That I’m too cute and the aegyo I do must have given off the wrong idea. That I wanted it. That I should have said something earlier and if I let it happen so many times there must have been a reason. Do you think I made him want me?”

 

Johnny cupped his cheek gently with the hand that wasn’t currently being gripped tightly, turning his face towards him, “You were a child. No. Just no. Nothing you did was an excuse for that man to do this to you. You didn’t want it and you didn’t make him want it. Whatever messed up thoughts were going on inside that man’s head had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own problems. That Mark would even think of blaming you, the victim, is horrible. What kind of boyfriend does that? What kind of person?”

 

The honey-blonde let go of his hand to start pawing at his eyes, trying to wipe away the tears. Did Mark hate him? But he loved Mark! Why would he be so mean to him if the feeling was mutual? It was confusing and seriously stressing him out.

 

“He must hate me. Mark must not like me anymore, maybe he found someone else who is better? He won’t even touch me anymore, he thinks I’m disgusting. No one is ever going to love me because of this! Or want me! You won’t even want to hold my hand now—” he sniffled and hiccuped from crying so hard, “I just want people to like me and now no one is going to — to hug me or touch me or kiss me! I’m just really sad and I want someone to kiss me — ”

 

“I will!” Johnny cut him off.

 

A pause.

 

“You...you’ll what?”

 

Haechan was looking up at him and their faces were close from earlier when the brunette had turned his head so the younger would look at him. The honey-blonde looked so hurt, so miserable, he was crying so hard, and he had the biggest eyes, and his lips were bitten red, and his cheeks were flushed, and he craved physical touch, he wanted someone to kiss him, and he was adorable — Johnny had always thought so — and if Mark didn’t want him...If Mark wasn’t going to treat him right then…

 

“I’ll...I’ll kiss you. You’re not unloveable, I’ll kiss you,” he said, almost like he didn’t even know what he was saying.

 

The younger idol looked at him shocked, but, “O-Ok. Ok, do it. I want you to do it,” he said quietly.

 

So Johnny did, and for a few minutes sparks flew.

 

For a few minutes Haechan felt safe and secure and wanted. Like he wasn’t a black hole of emotions, drowning in his own helplessness and insecurity. Like he wasn’t used and spit out.

 

Those few minutes were brief but they felt like an eternity.

 

Everything was good. Until Johnny abruptly pulled away that is.

 

“Oh fuck, oh my god, I shouldn’t have done that! That was wrong, that was a mistake. Hyuckie, I’m so sorry!”

 

And then with those words it was like his whole universe crumbled down to nothing. He was a full sun that was so big and bright, a massive star, that had collapsed in on itself. He went supernova and then turned into a black hole. There was nothing, emptiness.

 

He stared blankly at Johnny, “What?”

 

Johnny’s face crumpled, “Oh, no, I don’t mean you’re a mistake, or that I didn’t want to kiss you, it’s just that you’re so vulnerable right now. You still have a boyfriend and you came to me for support but I took advantage of the situation. I should have waited, it wasn’t right of me. Not now, not yet. Can you forgive me?”

 

He gave a small choked laugh, still crying a little, and said, “Yah, hyungie you scared me!”

 

He slapped the brunette lightly on the shoulder, still pouting.

 

“I forgive you, I wanted you to do it. You’re right though, I’m still with Mark. Which means I just cheated on him...I’m a horrible person. What should I do? He already doesn’t want me anymore, maybe he won’t care?”

 

The older artist sighed, “You’re not a horrible person! You’re going through some difficult things right now and what just happened is on me. Not you. As for Mark...I don’t know what you should do about that. It sounds to me like he hasn’t been treating you very well and you deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. I kind of want to punch him for all the horrible things he’s said but I won’t out of respect for you. Personally, I don’t want you to be in an unhealthy relationship, but I can’t tell you what to do. If you really love him and think you can work it out then I’ll be of assistance however you need me.”

 

Haechan was really grateful to have someone as nice as Johnny in his life, he loved his hyung so much and respected his advice. Maybe the brunette was right? He doesn’t want to be with someone who treats him badly and he was feeling awfully hurt by Mark lately. He hadn’t thought the rapper was actually a bad boyfriend though, Haechan thought it was his own fault. He had mislead Mark into thinking they would be each other’s firsts so it was his fault his hyung was angry. Johnny said things weren’t his fault and that he wasn’t unloveable but he still felt disgusting. If his own boyfriend thought so maybe he really was, and then if that was true it wasn’t Mark’s fault for being disgusted with him.

 

It was all so confusing and difficult to understand what he should be feeling. He didn’t know what the correct way to think about all this was. He was exhausted trying to think about it, running in circles inside his own head.

 

“Hyungie, I feel really tired. Can we cuddle in your room and go to sleep?” he questioned in a slightly whiny tone, wrapping his arms around the elder’s neck.

 

“Sure Haechannie, whatever you need.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. Moonchild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words can sometimes have an unfortunate tendency towards being easily misunderstood. Not everyone is good at communicating but hey, Mark is trying here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. As someone who’s premed I’ve been researching Haechan’s injury and I’ve become super stressed out. Reading about it I found out that depending on the way the tibia is fractured, between 20-30% of athletes with this injury either can’t return to the sport they were playing or can’t return with the same abilities. Our sunshine is a dancer and performer and he’s literally worked his whole life for this and if he can’t dance again I’ll be devastated and I’m sure he’ll be devastated as well. IMO he’s my fav dancer in the group and I’m just really really worried. I can’t stop thinking about what happens if he’s unable to return to NCT. It's seriously only been like 2 days, idk if I can handle 3-6 months, or forever, with no sunshine. Help. Are there any dancers out there reading this who’ve experienced this injury/know someone who has? If so, were you/they able to return to dancing? I need someone to tell me he’ll be ok so I can stop freaking the fuck out pls.
> 
> 2\. Mark is a dumb boi but he isn't a fuck boi, pls forgive him.

People look at Mark’s on-stage presence and the lyrics he writes and they think he must be really confident and fully capable of expressing himself well at all times. This is not the case. If there was ever an event in his life that demonstrated this it would be the situation he’s going through right at this very moment. This is because, ultimately, Mark is only 19. He’s still a child in a lot of ways and due to being an idol from a young age he’s also quite inexperienced. 

 

He’d sort of dated a couple girls before but it was never anything truly serious. On the other hand, when he started dating Haechan they’d been friends first, had known each other for years, and it was absolutely serious. Although their personalities clashed at times and sometimes led to fights and silent treatment lasting months, they had gotten through those things and believed they understood each other better than ever because of it. It had made them closer, more aware of each others feelings and how to deal with them. They thought they’d improved their communication skills as a couple.

 

Now, with Mark being technically an adult in South Korea and Haechan only 1 year away, things in their relationship had progressed. Considering the fact that they were both extremely hormonal teenage boys, it wasn’t unexpected that they would frequently be  _ in the mood _ , so to speak. It didn’t help that whenever Haechan sang, danced, acted cute, or basically just existed, it was a massive turn on for Mark. It also didn’t help that Mark rapping, taking a leadership role with the dreamies, or being randomly dominant in everyday activities was a massive turn on for Haechan. Suffice to say, they were both fighting their biology pretty much constantly so that they wouldn’t be immensely embarrassed in front of their band members or fans.

 

When a private moment did arise however, though it was infrequent, they would absolutely take advantage of it. Their first time was adorably sweet and soft and in Mark’s bed while the hyungs were out. For months ahead of time certain older hyungs (read: Taeyong, Ten, Yuta, and sometimes Winwin) had been persistently pulling them to the side to give them mini lessons on how to have safe gay sex. Those lectures were massively embarrassing but also very useful for when the time came because it meant they knew just enough to know that Mark couldn’t just randomly shove it up in there. So, before their first time, Haechan cleaned himself in the dorm bathroom and then Mark made sure to prep him extremely well using lube (not shampoo or olive oil!) before he even thought about putting his dick anywhere near the other boy. 

 

To be honest, he probably went a little overboard with the prep out of how concerned and anxious he was. The younger wasn’t complaining too much about it, though it was a minor problem that he accidentally made him cum with just his fingers. They ended up having to wait a few minutes for his oversensitivity to fade before they could continue on to the main event. Again, not that anyone was complaining. Mark actually ended up feeling quite proud of himself for making his boyfriend cum twice their first time and then cling to him while crying from happiness and the overwhelmed feelings plus oversensitivity that followed two powerful orgams. 

 

It was a beautiful moment. 

 

However, things sort of took a different turn after that. The rapper had realized that his younger lover liked to be bratty a lot of the time and that when he showed that kind of behaviour it usually meant he was begging Mark to punish or be rough with him in his own roundabout way. Although he found this really hot, at first he was a little skeptical. Was he really supposed to be so rough with someone he loved like that? Was it normal? He absolutely did not want to hurt him. Ever. Period. This made finding the right boundaries very difficult because he could tell that Haechan wanted him to do something but he wasn’t exactly sure what that thing was or how to go about achieving it. Haechan himself didn’t seem to be very sure on the matter of what he desired either. Due to this they essentially just ended up experimenting with a lot of different things.

 

In addition to that, it’s also not like either of them had much knowledge on BDSM or sex in general. Mark had never actually heard of dominance or submission as actual sex terms, so he was pretty lost. He knew they both liked it when Mark was in control and that they both enjoyed things rougher sometimes. So he did his best to give the honey-blonde what he wanted and satisfy both of their desires. Sometimes that meant calling him names in bed, pulling his hair harshly, or spanking him during sex. Sometimes it meant ripping his underwear off (or attempting to because that was surprisingly harder than it seemed depending on the fabric) and leaving dark hickeys all over his thighs and collarbones. Never choking him though because  _ ohmygodheisasingerareyouCRAZY _ .

 

This experimental system sort of worked well but the problem was that neither of them had any concept of a safe word or how to appropriately go about engaging in sex that wasn’t the stereotypically sweet fluffy experience they saw in romantic movies. Not that they didn’t like that kind and participate in that as well, but over the course of about a year since they had started sleeping together the rough sex certainly played a role more often. Considering they didn’t have safe words, they just had to rely on what the other individual told them afterwards, and Haechan always persistently said he was fine and liked whatever Mark did. Sometimes Mark felt like the younger idol wasn’t telling him the truth but it was somewhat hard to decipher whether he liked things or not. Haechan was a good actor when he wanted to be. Mark let it be though, since he figured if there was really a serious problem his boyfriend would say something about it. 

 

That was all fine and great until one day the honey-blonde said something earth-shattering. They’d literally just finished having sex, the sweet kind this time, when those big brown eyes turned to look at him. They honey-blonde was still flushed and breathing a little heavily. Mark thought he was utterly beautiful.

 

But then he opened his mouth and said, “Hyungie, can I tell you something? It’s not a happy thing though. You have to promise not to be mad at me.”

 

“Hyuck-ah, I know your nickname is full sun but you don’t have to be happy all the time. I won’t be mad, what is it?”

 

Haechan hummed while looking away and started to play with his hands anxiously.

 

“You weren’t actually my first. There was this manager-hyung when we were trainees and he...like, y’know.”

 

Mark didn’t know. What did he do? What was he talking about? They had promised to be each others first times so he didn’t understand. 

 

He shook his head no.

 

“What?”

 

The younger was getting more nervous, Mark could tell something was wrong.

 

“He...well...he raped me. Like, a bunch of times. In SM’s practice rooms and the company vans and this one time in the dorm to. It happened when I was 13 and 14 so he was actually my first and basically...he took my virginity, not you. I was scared to tell you so...I lied about you being the only one. I’m really sorry.”

 

The rapper was so shocked he couldn’t think straight. His mind was just  _ whatwhatwhatwhatwhat  _ and he had no idea how he was supposed to handle this situation. He’d never knowingly met anyone before who’d been raped or abused and had no understanding of how he could make things better. Is there an appropriate response? How can he express that he was devastated someone he loved was hurt so deeply? Did he reach out to comfort him physically or was that wrong?

 

“ _ Ohmyfuckinggod  _ what?! That’s so fucked up!”

 

He couldn’t believe someone would want to hurt literally the most precious sweetest boy on the planet. He had no idea there were human beings out there capable of something so horrific. I mean, he knew but he didn’t  _ know _ . Haechan was the last person on Earth he could imagine deserving to be violated, not that he thought anyone on Earth or the moon or wherever deserved that. But Haechan? Really?? Mark was shocked and upset and so so angry.

 

“I can’t believe he would fuck you up like that!”

 

But wait, did that mean Haechan had weird ideas about how sex was supposed to be? Maybe he thought he had to be submissive and rough sex was normal. Maybe he just went along with everything they had been doing even though he didn’t like it or want it because they were boyfriends and he thought he was supposed to accept it. 

 

“Is that why you’re like this, why you ask for the things you do? Oh god, that must be why you’re so submissive during sex! Getting raped must have made you think you needed to be slutty to be liked..Oh fuck, oh no—”

 

“No, wait, Mark that isn’t—”

 

“He ruined you!” Mark exclaimed, starting to cry heavily. 

 

Which made the younger boy start crying, although the reason why he was crying was vastly misinterpreted by the older male. Mark thought he was crying because what he’d said was true, and that meant he’d raped Haechan to. Just like the manager had. Over and over and not thinking at all about how it was affecting such a beautiful caring soul. 

 

He was horrible. He was absolute shit. He must have raped his own boyfriend. The guilt was overwhelming. 

 

When Mark reached out to try and comfort him the honey-blonde flinched away and Mark thought , _ ’of course he would! I raped him, he probably doesn’t want to be anywhere near me ever again! _ ’

 

Which was really not the case because Haechan hadn’t flinched because he hated Mark, but because he thought Mark hated him. He could really use a hug right now, for the older boy to say  _ ‘I love you, I don’t think any less of you for this, it wasn’t your fault.’ _

 

Unfortunately, while this was all true in reality, Mark thought all of those things were so obviously facts that there was no need to say them. Haechan must already know those things, he thought. He would understand what was in Mark’s heart. Haechan was his best friend, his cutest dongsaeng, his sunshine. 

 

Why would someone choose to do this to him? He couldn’t comprehend it at all. Was it because he was the loveliest and most adorable being on Earth? He was so likeable and everyone always doted on him because of his bright, outgoing, and cute personality. Was that why that disgusting inhuman piece of crap made him his target?

 

“Why you?” he wondered out loud, devastated.

 

“Is it because of how cute you are? You’re so good at making people like you, doing aegyo and making jokes and you’re just so beautiful...he must have started to like you too much and it’s just...I don’t understand, it’s so wrong!”

 

How could anyone think it was ok to force a child? Mark couldn’t think of anything more wrong in the universe than that. 

 

What was he supposed to do with that information? How can he make things better now? Before he even had the chance to ask Haechan quickly stood up from the bed, grabbed a sweatshirt and gym shorts and was gone. It all happened so fast that Mark was left sitting alone in his room stunned, unable to say anything or comprehend what the hell had just occurred. He didn’t know if he’d handled it correctly or if he’d said the right things. 

 

The rapper wanted to ask someone for advice, to get help with this unexpected and horrific situation, but in doing so he would be revealing a secret Haechan had told him in confidence. To do so would be breaking their trust even more and that was unacceptable. He’d have to figure things out on his own but now he thought there was no way the honey-blonde would want to talk to him.

 

If he was just as bad as that man was then he had no right to go anywhere near the beautiful soul that was his boyfriend. Actually, were they still boyfriends after this? He had no clue.

 

So while he tried to figure everything out, Mark decided to keep his distance and not bring it up out of respect for Haechan. Unfortunately, it was ridiculously hard for him to determine the right course of action and so this distance ended up lasting for weeks. It had been so long that he was starting to lose confidence in the possibility of fixing or resolving the situation altogether.

 

That was how they ended up, nearly 3 weeks later on the day of the AAAs, still barely talking or touching each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mark nooooo


	4. Dark Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do you move forward when everything feels pitch black, like you're walking off the edge of a cliff and falling into a nightmare?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Sometimes I think to myself, y’know off stage Mark is actually really sweet and fluffy and maybe he’s not such a dominate person. But then I remember he wrote (entirely by himself) the lyrics to Drippin’. Just think about that for a moment. Also how shy and embarrassed Haechanie was about singing those lyrics. I mean, he knows Mark wrote them and I’m not saying they’re actually in a relationship or anything but he’s joked around about being Mark’s muse previously and Mark didn’t dispute it. How funny would it be if Mark wrote that song while thinking about fucking him and because Haechan knows he wrote it about that he got all shy and nervous (but still totally slayed it tbh)? Honestly, there's a very slim chance that was actually what happened but like….what if? lol
> 
> 2\. WARNING: This chapter is no joke ya’ll, if you don’t want the fucked up details of the underage noncon that’s been previously vaguely discussed than I recommend not reading the italic part of this chapter. Also Haechan dissociates a bit during his nightmare/memory of the event. And there's some mention of symptoms that could be a part of a PTSD diagnosis.

_Cold._

 

_The hands on him were cold. They were rough, calloused, cool to the touch. One gripped his left hip, pushing it down onto the back of the folded up van seat. The other, wet, slid between his thighs and slithered up up UP. And in. Pushed further and deeper and wider. Fingers stretching and taking, invasive._

 

_Shivering._

 

_He couldn’t stop shivering as the man invaded him, thighs splayed apart, breathing rapid and shallow, shaking._

 

_He didn’t have any clothes on and it was freezing. From his spot shoved down, face up, he could see the inner roof of the old van they were in. There was a spot he kept focusing on where something had burned it. The hole in the fabric was singed black around the edges and the metal roof above had a crack in it. He could see glimpses out the fogged up back and side windows where it was dark and snowy, gusts of wind blowing pieces of fluffy white against the dirty glass._

 

_The second they hit the slightly warmer surface of the van they melted and then slid down. He didn’t want to think about why the van was slightly warmer than the outside air despite the heating being turned off inside. He empathized far too much with those specs of snow. It felt like his body was melting somehow, out of his control, even though he was freezing._

 

_He could see the sweaty man on top of him with his clammy hands and parted lips. The man was saying things but he didn’t want to listen. He didn’t want to see him either and his hands weren’t being forcefully held down so he brought them up to cover his face and shield his eyes from the sight._

 

_He hated the wet cold slimy feeling that surrounded him, tried ignore that the only sources of warmth he could feel were the puffs of breath hitting his face and the hardness entering him repeatedly from below. The man had used his fingers first and something wet to ease the way this time but it still hurt. Like a searing pain, a wound that kept being ripped back open every time he was pushed into. It fucking hurt and it was gross and he felt disgusting. The boy tried to focus on his fingertips which felt like they were tingling. Either from the cold or the pain or both, he didn’t know._

 

_After a while the tingling feeling was all he could focus on. He registered the continuing of events around him, over him, in him, but it was like they were in the background. Everything felt numb except his fingers. He could twitch them slightly but other than that his body wasn’t responding to his commands anymore. It jolted and jostled as he was thrust into and it moved when the man grabbed his body parts — plying his thighs farther open, twisting him to turn him over, forcing his head to the side so he wasn’t completely choking on the carpet-like old fibers of the seat back, parting his mouth to stick fat dirty fingers inside and play with his tongue — but he wasn’t in control._

 

_Suddenly everything morphed, twisting, and Haechan knew he was dreaming — remembering — but he couldn’t stop his mind from shifting this nightmare into the surreal and it still felt just as real, the fear not dimmed in the slightest. The man was still raping him like he had in reality, but now there was an additional element of panic, a lack of truth to the recollection. Blood dripping down the insides of the van, nothing visible outside (like this little van the only existence in the entirety of the pitch black universe), grunts and moans so loud it was like they’d been amplified for a stage performance — loud enough to be heard over the screams of fans. His teeth started falling out and his vocal cords were removed, ripped out by an invisible force. There was nothing he could do to stop it. No sound came out when he tried to scream. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t sing, couldn’t breath._

 

He woke up gasping, shooting into a seated position. Having nightmares about the past wasn’t unusual for the idol but these twisted surreal ones were the worst. They always started with the truth, and that was bad enough, but when they shifted into panic filled illusions piled atop the already fear-inducing reality of his abuse...that was the worst.

 

The bed was soaked with sweat and uncomfortable. He had to get up. After talking with his BTS hyungs the other night he knew he needed to do something about his current situation. That doesn’t mean the young artist had any desire to actually deal with the events that had occurred though. No, he’d much rather distract himself the entire day practicing, goofing around, pranking the members. Those activities were a much more preferred way to spend his time. They felt safe, his memories of hanging out and playing with his 127 hyungs or Dream friends were always tinged yellow and fuzzy warm. Even if they fought or were having a rough day, the warmth that seeped through him and settled into his bones and the deepest contours of his mind was still so much better than the nauseating churning darkness of his other memories.

 

Haechan did his best not to think about those — to bottle them up and bury them in a padlocked box inside a forgotten room of his mental palace, to ignore their very existence, to avoid anything and everything that even came close to that box.

 

Obviously, that plan hadn’t been working very effectively as of late.

 

Everything was falling apart and not just for him. It felt like the whole band was affected negatively by his instability and emotional trauma. He was honestly such a massive fucking mess and destroying everything around him. Anything the honey-blonde did to try and rectify things, to reach out for help dealing with the overwhelming anxiety and turmoil brewing inside his brain, only served to exacerbate things more. Mark seemed angry and probably hated him now. Johnny clearly felt torn about their kiss and Haechan telling his hyung about what had happened — both between Mark and him and between that man and him — looked like it was weighing heavily on the elder artist’s mind. Haechan felt immensely guilty for putting one of his closest friends and most trusted hyungs into this situation. The rest of the band could feel the tension to and it was hurting their chemistry on set.

 

He’d even managed to negatively impact people outside his immediate friends, his band members, and the company itself. The BTS hyungs he’s run into were nothing if not nice and caring and helpful. The young idol was greatly comforted by their support that night and their continuing attention and affection post-AAAs. They’d kept in touch, texting him to ask about how he was doing, but he still hadn’t replied back. Haechan wasn’t sure what to respond when there was no new positive news.

 

He was supposed to reach out like they’d talked about but for some reason unknown to him Mark and Johnny had been fighting. They’d been fighting since the AAA’s and he wasn’t sure what to do about it. After waking up in Johnny’s bed the day of the awards he felt sick with nerves and embarrassed about telling his story. In the moment he’d had courage and felt brave, it felt good to talk and like a weight was lifted. Those feelings didn’t last to the next morning though. Now, he wasn’t sure how to look him in this face. How does one act normal and behave as they did before when everything had changed. Haechan felt like he’d selfishly put their entire relationship at jeopardy by bringing it up.

 

He felt like such an absolute _Fuck Up_ _TM_.

 

After quickly sneaking out of the elder’s bed, where they’d been curled up in a warm nest of blankets, he then proceeded to avoid both Mark and Johnny for the rest of the day to the best of his abilities. Although he was forced to practice with them and then get ready for the show together, the youngest avoided all eye contact and rushed off to hide whenever possible.

 

That was until everything that went down in the bathroom pre-show. Haechan still didn’t really know what that was all about, he’d just been rushing off to hide as normal and then suddenly they were both there and then he was barricaded in a bathroom and they were fighting outside of it. The bathroom was just soundproof enough that he could tell they were fighting but not what they were arguing over.

 

His continued avoidance of them during and after the show didn’t solve that problem. The honey-blonde made absolutely sure that at any point when either of the 2 were free and appeared to be searching for him he just so happened to be busy or elsewhere.

 

Who else could he go to though? It was like the abuse was a curse, a black tar that weighed down everyone it touched. Everyone he tried to tell got hurt by it. The youngest NCT 127 member was loathe to keep spreading the pain around after the first few failed attempts.

 

He’d promised Taehyung and Jungkook though and the more he left them on read the worse he felt. It had been 4 days since their meeting after all, he should do something.

 

He ran through the options in his head.

 

Anyone younger than him was a hard **no** , he couldn’t put that on them. They shouldn’t have to deal with any additional stress and this kind of thing was too advanced for them. It was horrific and traumatizing and Haechan was not going to corrupt them like that.

 

His same age friends were a maybe. They had been close for a while and he felt safe with them, but he wasn’t sure how they could help. What did they know about solving this kind of problem? It would likely just burden them.

 

Lucas was the next closest in age but he didn’t know him very well and they hardly saw each other to be honest.

 

Winwin, Ten, and Doyoung were nice to him, they played around together and were comfortable as band mates but not really close enough to reveal this kind of information to.

 

Taeyong was the leader-hyung. He knew how to solve problems, how to give advice, how to get the ball moving. He was kind and caring and considerate with all the members and people listened to him. But everyone went to him with their problems, he was probably swamped dealing with everyone’s issues. Also, he was the link between the members and management. Would he feel obligated to tell a manager about it if Haechan revealed things to him? Was the honey-blonde ready for that? Maybe it would be for the best, they could get him counseling and that was important — if scary.

 

Taeil was adorable and Haechan loved him but _definitely no_. To tell his eldest hyung would be like stabbing a bunny.

 

Jaehyun was his roommate and that would be problematic because if it didn’t go well he’d be stuck in the same room with him. Although he felt safe with him and they got along exceptionally well it was a no because Haechan needed his safe space. He couldn’t risk losing a place to run to that was ‘normal’ for him, a place where nobody knew about his problem and wouldn’t bother him about it or look at him differently.

 

So that only left…Yuta? Honestly, he was a really good hyung. Not the most affectionate the majority of the time but he’d allow it occasionally and especially when he saw the younger was unhappy. He didn’t put up with Haechan’s shit and got annoyed by his mischievous nature at times but he always made sure the younger still knew Yuta loved him anyway.

 

In the end, the best options were either Taeyong or Yuta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope none of NCT or BTS ever reads this lol. All I ever write it whump, I swear it comes from a place of love though!


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